“It’s great to see you looking so well. How are you feeling?” they ask.

”Och I’m grand. Getting there,” I reply.

Getting where though?

Back to the old me?

No, I can never be that person again. There is no going back.

I can’t unknow this last nine months and ever think again that I won’t “break”, just like any other human being on this planet. Every molecule of my brain rejects the sense of weakness, of vulnerability, that I feel now, but my body won’t (or can’t) follow.

And so I am adrift, looking back at my life before cancer like some far off shore, forever out of reach.

I can’t see my new direction yet and I’m not even sure I can be assed to look. So I will find some peace in the here and now, like a spectator on my own life.

Perhaps in this space and quiet I can begin to find my new path, my new me.