I keep checking the mirror to see if I still LOOK like me, because I sure as shootin’ don’t feel like me! I should be running around , crying, ranting, chewing my fingers to the bone, but I’m not. I feel strangely calm with just flutters every now and then of mild panic, quickly subsumed by this… “peace.”
I highlight this because it is common to a few situations close loved-ones have found themselves in lately as well. They have gone through horrendously stressful times, struggling with a life-changing decision, only to find that having taken the leap this same strange peace or calm descends. Other strong forces (sadness, grief, regret) can still take their toll, but, for me, the knowledge that matters have come to the only conclusion they could and should have, make the rest of it bearable.
But I am very, very fortunate. This could all sound incredibly trite to others without the level of support and kindness I am blessed with. I may yet be typing another entry in this blog with one hand, while tearing lumps of my hair out by the roots, cursing myself for putting my own happiness before my duty as a wife, daughter and mother. But what use am I to anyone without my soul and what example would that set to my adult children. “Yes kids, live your lives but don’t believe that you deserve happiness, or peace, or self-esteem, or joy, or hope.” No, I don’t think so.
I remember when my children were born saying the “only” thing I wished for them was that they be happy, truly happy. Some friends of mine hoped their children would be doctors or dancers or successful….you get the picture. At this stage of my life I look back and think my wish may just have been the most ambitious.
2 thoughts on “The Calm Before The……..Whatever”
This powerful poem came to mind – read it aloud, feel the liberation and remember, at times when it seems like your life is not going quite as you hoped, it may just be that things are falling into place and you just can’t see the big picture – YET.
Take away my limits
I am done with playing small
The mask I used to look through
Doesn’t serve me now at all
Remove the veils that dull my view
Unlock my frightened heart
Enfold me in the arms of love
Of which I am a part.
No longer an apology
I recognise my place
To serve the miracle of life
That weaves me in its grace
I take my stand
I drop the shroud
I’m done with playing small
I’m love, and loved
to love you all.
Thank you so much J for this. I reckon I will know this off by heart before long. How great to find comfort by giving it.