Tag Archives: Free Speech

Faking It

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Have you ever sat in a room where there is lots of laughter and hilarity and people are obviously having a great time, and yet, even though you are smiling and chatting, you wish with all your heart you were anywhere but there? It’s like the room is closing in around you and all you can hear is joined up noise; no individual words, just one ear-splitting clamour.

You want to gather yourself up and make for the exit, find your car and get home as fast as you can. But you can’t. This is a big night out, so you might have a drink and so you didn’t bring your car. You can call a taxi, but it’s Friday night and you will have to wait for ages. So you sit it out and wait for your lift, which is now an hour away. And you fake it. And for all you know, the person sitting next to you could be faking it too.

That’s a big dose of faking, but we do huge amounts of it on a small-scale every day. If any of you are “Charlie Brown” fans you will remember the noise his teacher made and this keeps popping into my head at various times. Times where you could replace the words being spoken in a conversation with “Blah, blah, blah” and neither party would either notice or care. We just seem to disconnect, leave the room mentally if not physically, wanting to be somewhere else.

Okay, so everything doesn’t have to be deep and meaningful. You don’t have to gaze into the eyes of the shop assistant as you pay for your groceries, paying dutiful attention to every word spoken. But at a time where we are being bombarded with instructions on how to be “mindful” in our everyday lives, are we so busy listening to our own self-talk that we can’t really be assed listening to others?

Proudman Vs Carter-Silk

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Why does all of this, including Charlotte Proudman’s response, leave me so uneasy?

In case you haven’t read about it, Charlotte Proudman published a “LinkedIn” e-mail message from Alexander Carter-Silk, a very prominent solicitor,  branded him sexist and misogynistic and is calling for a public apology.

I have read and watched a lot of the reporting of this issue and I notice that just the first part of the message is being shown in most of the reports.

“Charlotte, delighted to connect, I appreciate that this is probably horrendously politically incorrect but that is a stunning picture!!!” 

Now, in the ordinary run of things this isn’t a lot to worry about, but he then continues with,

“You definitely win the prize for the best LinkedIn picture I have ever seen. Always interest [sic] to understant [sic] people’s skills and how we might work together.”  

Yeah, right. “The Prize”?? WTF. Does this man have NO sense whatsoever? I question his ability to cross the road unaided.

Then we have Matthew Scott, a solicitor and blogger, wade in with the following comments,

“I think we have to look how this developed… Charlotte sent him a message, asking him to connect so the initial contact was made by Charlotte. He later complimented her stunning picture, so I do think his crime is provoked from Charlotte.”

I wonder what this man’s attitude to rape is?  Might he think women provoke men into this crime too? And then to top it all he says,

“If a man wanted to approach a woman because he thinks her attractive… it doesn’t make him sexist. It is just perfectly natural behaviour”
Matthew Scott

Really Matthew, even if this man is married and this man’s position makes it, at the very least, “awkward” to refuse or rebuff?  What utter crap!

Charlotte’s asking to “connect” on LinkedIn was a “provocation” according to Matthew, but Mr Carter-Silk’s response was “perfectly natural”.

Dear God almighty! And these are the assholes we turn to for help on matters of right and wrong.

But I cannot say I am easy with Ms Proudman’s behaviour either. I understand she is 27 years old, but in her chosen profession I would have expected her to be a bit more savvy about not only what the reaction to this would be ( and I deeply suspect she was very aware) but that lamenting about sexism in the legal profession is an incredibly narrow view of a very serious issue affecting all of society. Just ask some of the girls suffering FGM, or the ones who can’t choose who, never mind if, they want to marry, about sexual inequality and misogynistic attitudes.

I have had my (un)fair share of sexist shit throughout my life, like every other woman I know, and I would love that my daughters did not have to endure the same, but, too late. I know they have and will continue to do so for a long time.

There is a lot of really great work going on to promote sexual equality, but this public and political grandstanding does none of us any favours.

I have answered my own question. These people represent our legal profession. Lady Justice may not wear a blindfold in her post atop the Old Bailey, but some of those inside certainly seem to.

Words

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Where would we be without them?

Would we have developed another way of communicating, a better way possibly?

I often wonder because of the number of times when words, quite literally, fail me. It’s ironic how, with the vast increase in the amount of them flying through the atmosphere, whether by e-mail, mobile phones, Twitter, Facebook and all the squillions of other platforms, we all seem to understand less and less.

People could be speaking a different language going by how often I find myself completely lost as to what others want, need or expect from me.

“Oh, but I meant…..”, “Well, I hoped you would know………” , “But you should have guessed…….”

So, have words lost their meaning? Or are we just weary of them?

“A bad workman blames his tools,” they say and perhaps this is never more true than in this case. Words need more than a mouth to speak them; they need ears to hear them and a brain to process them, but, most importantly, a heart to understand them.

Ego, anger and resentment stifle them; twisting their meaning and distorting their sound. And yet in that joyous space, where love, kindness and warmth flow, they lift us out of the blackest of depths and transport us to our own kind of heaven.

Words can move nations to war then bring them back from the brink; they can break hearts, then make them whole again.

Teeny Weeny Talk

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I was just reading an article on small talk and the article’s author “David Roberts. vox.com” describes how he really hates it. Perhaps it’s a male/female thing, but I can usually manage the hairdresser/nail technician/beauty parlour stuff; “Any holidays planned?” “Going out anywhere at the weekend?” kind of thing. I feel quite sorry for them having to listen to some of the crap to be honest.

What I don’t get, and completely boils my brain, is the minutiae, that stuff that is so small and insignificant most folk don’t even notice they do it, the teeny, tiny stuff, being broadcast to the world at such a relentless pace and seemingly without end!!

And before you go there , don’t blame it all on the kids of to-day. I have seen men and women, young, middle-aged and old enough to know better, battering away on their keyboards, telling the world and it’s mother how they have just cleaned their teeth, brushed their hair, emptied the bin, put the dinner on……blah, blah, blah.

Okay, okay, I’m a bitch!! What harm are they doing? Leave the poor souls alone, I hear you say.

Well, you see, my point is this; if they put the keyboard down and looked outside of themselves and their immediate vicinity for just a moment or three, they may well find something of genuine interest to them, something rewarding, something that may help fill that void in their lives that drives them to record the dross and miss out the big stuff, their lives, passing them by.

Remember that well-known saying, “Don’t sweat the small stuff.”?

Well, don’t record it either!

I Am Staggered….

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As I have just read on FaceBook ( so it must be true, every last word of it!!) of a proposed “Erotic Festival” to be held at Narrow Water, Carlingford, in beautiful County Down, Northern Ireland, the ancestral home of the Hall family since 1670.

I have checked and, yes, this is an article from The Belfast Telegraph so, again, it must be true.

“The former Lord Lieutenant of county Down and one of the venue’s trustees, Sir William Hall, has voiced outrage at the prospect.

Sir William said: “Lewdness and lasciviousness will be the theme of this occasion.” (Belfast Telegraph)

Oh but you needn’t worry Sir William. Apparently organisers have said that sex acts will take place only within the privacy of a tent!! So there you go, nothing to worry about.

“John Larkin QC has said, “Sex toys will be on sale, talks will be given which may purport to be serious but the real object is the giving of sexual titillation and gratification to the participants in the festival.

“Nudity and acts of sexual intercourse will be prevalent.” (Belfast Telegraph)

I must stress that according to the article none of the Hall family are involved in organising this festival. The organisers are in fact, Bliss Ireland.

I swear to you, I am staggered!!

I feel like I have gone off into an alternative dimension. I am no prude, by any stretch of the imagination, but I would never have imagined any such event taking place in this country, and certainly not in my lifetime. I’m starting to get a picture of thousands of people turning up for a look-see, but all in disguise!

This would be a very good time to own a fancy-dress shop.

But on a more serious note, the people of this area of our beautiful country have had to live with the constant association to a huge terrorist attack in 1979.

Now they have to get used to being associated with hosting the country’s first “Erotic” Festival and an industry that perpetuates the subjugation of women.

Oh lucky them!

Everyday “Heroes”

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I know, I’m thinking of David Bowie too.

But funnily enough this is not about him. It’s about the everyday people who made me start writing this blog in the first place and some who, in the last twenty-four hours, came back into my life and reminded me of the people that made me want to write..

I want to tell you about SBM. (She’ll know who she is)

I met her in hospital. My daughter was very sick and I was spending a lot of time just sitting at her bedside, feeling as much use as a chocolate teapot and thinking, ” Why my girl, why her”.

The nurse asked me to leave as visiting was long over. Reluctantly I stood up just as a voice called over, “Don’t worry about her. I’ll watch over her for you. She’ll be okay.”

I looked across to a bed and a woman who was far from well, very far.She had more tubes and monitors around her than you could shake a stick at. She could see the doubt in my face.

” I can call a nurse if she needs one, don’t worry, and I will watch her for you.”

I believed she would and I left with more comfort than I had dared hope for.

Over the following week I got to know SBM and some of her wonderful family; all very ordinary folk, but all coping with a high level of ongoing, grinding stress that left me breathless. And how they coped?

With laughter, generosity of spirit and an open, embracing love for others. This woman is no shrinking violet and has a sense of humour that could raise a laugh in an empty room. Many times I would have been begging her to stop, my sides aching and the tears running down my face, I was laughing so much.

The thing is, if you heard her story, if you understood her circumstances and the awful loss she has suffered and ill-health she endures, you could forgive her for wanting to lock herself away and wallow in self-pity. But not a bit of it!

She raises money for charities ( having her head shaved for one when sitting upright even hurt), comforts others in times of stress and for me, well, when I couldn’t be at my daughters bedside she was, and I knew it. I will never be able to repay that peace of mind.

And there are others like SBM out there, quietly giving out such positive energy to those around them and, in my eyes, earning the title of “Hero”.

And here she goes again, popping up in my “Inbox” last night, reminding me what life, love and happinesss should be about.

Thank you.

Heroes

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The stories of heroism are starting to filter through now from the horror in Tunisia at the weekend and they are breathtaking and poignant. And so, so heartbreaking.

Their acts were spontaneous and selfless and none believed, when booking their holiday in the sun, the label “hero” would soon be attached to them.

Heroism takes many forms but this is the one I am sure no-one wishes to be tested on; the instant, life or death form, the one that over-rides your fear and your instinct for self-preservation.

For the survivors of this, and the countless other atrocities and disasters around the world, comes the next challenge; to survive being a survivor; a heroism in its own right.

Life’s Compensations

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Wasn’t it Oscar Wilde who waxed lyrical about “Youth being wasted on the young.” He sounds embittered whereas I feel sorry for young people; not just todays young’uns, but for the youth of every generation.

I know all stages of life have that double-edged sword aspect, but the angst and self-doubt of my teens, twenties and even thirties blinded me to the opportunities and energy that were within my grasp. Is that what nature does; she gives you the wisdom and self-awareness of middle age and saps your drive to maximise their benefits. We grow into ourselves just as our bodies start to creek and groan with the passing years.

Is it all just a see-saw of gains and losses?  Yes, on all levels.

New technology gives us speed and ease of access in communication and yet so many more of us report feeling isolated. Air travel is common place for most and yet the flight is usually a fraction of the time it takes to get to the airport, get through security, and cope with the delays etc. Our houses have every labour-saving device our grandmothers could have hoped for and every gadget to prepare a healthy and nutritious diet, but we have less time for friends and family and, for most of us, eat less home prepared food than ever before.

So, are we ever any further on than of predecessors? No.

Until time travel is invented future generations will go through the same growing pains me, my parents and their parents did. The scenery and specifics may morph but they will remain centered around those insecurities that haunted us all.

But what about the upside of youth; the energy, strength and enthusiasm. They don’t know the limits, so why are we imposing ours on them?

Just Doing What Comes Naturally

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How many times have you heard this? Does it usually spring up at the very moment someone is about to attempt to justify the unjustifiable?

Mmm, me too.

“It’s only natural,” is as bogus an excuse for bad behaviour as it is in the labelling of a lot of snacks and convenience foods. In a civilised society we are supposed to temper our “natural” inclinations, to take into account the feelings of others and the impact of our actions on our environment.

Pity then our children trying to make sense of a world where the media makes much of those that shout loudest, stomp on the weak and celebrate/revere the rude, crude and thoroughly undignified.

I feel bombarded by media showing the monetary success this kind of celebrity can bring and, even at my age, have problems processing the quantity and quality of the information, so how on earth can we expect young people to make sense of it, or to be able to filter the myth from the reality.

Unfortunately, and very sadly for all of us, when they try to emulate their modern-day role-models aren’t they then,

“Just doing what comes naturally?”

Be Your Own Best Friend

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Throughout my various blogs I have referred many times to the quote,

“Love thy neighbour, as you would love thyself.”

I have also gone over how I did not “get it”, for years, that you need to start with the second part of this before you can understand loving others.

The veracity and truth of this comes back to me so many times, that, each time it does I feel I get a better understanding than that first light-bulb moment.

Friends are wonderful and I am very blessed with mine, but until you learn to listen and respect your inner voice, your inner self, you will continue looking for answers to your problems from others. And no-one can fulfill that role, can know what is truly best for you, better than you.

The act of talking an issue over with a friend is great; quite often allowing you to hear the solution and the sense of it. It can provide a clarity and a comfort that comes with sharing and their loving support.But, ultimately, the answer was within your grasp all the time.

In being your own best friend you need the honesty that comes with this kind of relationship and also the same generosity of spirit you would show to that friend when needed.

Finding peace in being alone should not isolate you, but provide you with a strength of self-awareness and allows you to be a better friend to those you love.