I’m talking the talk, but not walking the walk. I understand what is happening and how little control I have over the desire of others to inflict pain and hurt, but the child in me wants to yell, through streaming, stinging tears,
“It’s not fair!”
But to what end? “Are they bovered?” as the great Catherine Tate would ask. Of course they bloody aren’t! And this is the thing that pulls me back to reality.
I have ( am still ) running the full kit and kaboodle of beating myself up for the appalling behaviour of others, of it coming to a point I have spent years trying to avoid by working harder, doing longer hours and going so many extra miles I have lapped the world, but to no avail. If someone is THAT determined to do you down , they will. I feel I have let my family down, exposing them to possible financial hardship, let my clients down, set my young adult offspring a bad example, and so on and so on.
And it is ridiculous, completely ridiculous! Not one of those I love, and love me back, is judging me this way. Only me!
So what can I do?
Well, I will dig as deep as I can, as I must, to find my backbone, to find the ballsy, courageous woman I know is hiding within the quivering-lipped, gibbering wreck that devoured me five days ago. I will be my own best friend, acknowledging my strengths, cutting myself some slack and kindly urging myself back into the real, functioning world. I will look outside of myself, outside the tiny sphere that has become my world over recent days, and seek out solutions and new possibilities.
Something wonderful is waiting for me and the only way I can get there and realise its potential, is by taking this desperatley difficult journey. It is frightening, terrifying in fact, but we all fear change; even if we know where we are now is awful we instinctively fear leaving the familiar.
I hope you all find the courage you need for your convictions and the strength and support to see them through.