Tag Archives: heart break

The Pro-Divorce Scenario

PIcture this please.

Father and daughter are sitting in the garden on a lovely sunny day. Daughter is pregnant with her first child and starts to discuss the recent departure of her mother for sunnier parts, never to return ( or so it was thought).

Daughter asks Father, “Dad, when did you know you had made a mistake marrying mum?”

Father pauses and then replies , “Well, about a fortnight after we married I think.”

Daughter is stunned and says, ” A fortnight? What happened? Why so soon?”

And so he continues, ” Well, she made my dinner one night and asked, as we finished, what I thought of it. So I said it was fine, but perhaps the potatoes could have done with being cooked a bit more.”

“And?” the daughter asks.

“And she didn’t speak to me for a fortnight. I remember thinking “God, I think I’ve fucked up here.”

Daughter continues, ” But Dad, if it was so bad so soon, why did you go on to have kids and inflict your unhappy relationship on us?”

“Oh, you know, nature takes over, things just happen,” he replied with resignation.

“Didn’t you ever think to divorce before we came along?” pressed the daughter.

Shocked, her Father replied, “Oh no! That wasn’t done! You couldn’t do that, no!” He seemed to shudder at the thought.

The daughter shuddered at the memories. I still do.

Say What You See!

Do you remember that phrase from that really annoying TV quiz? Well I do, but I want to talk about it  with a slightly different twist.

You know, you’re upset about something or someone and you think to yourself, “If I go quiet then they will notice and realise I am unhappy and ask me why and tease it out of me and then comfort me and make me feel better.” 
In your dreams, and just for the record, somebody else’ nightmare!
Life is not the movies! You don’t stand, enigmatically, looking out of the window, whilst clutching at the silk drapes, a lace hanky dabbing at your nose and then have the hero somehow read your mind, come over to you, putting a strong arm around you and tell you everything will be all right.
REAL LIFE =  You standing looking out of the window while the “hero” shouts, “Where are my underpants?”  His version of reading your mind? ” She’s being a moody bitch again.” 
Sorry men; cheap shot; true, but cheap! Anyway, this isn’t really about male vs female. It’s about us all.
None of us have the time or energy to figure out what’s going on in the mind of those around us. If you’re anything like me, I can’t even figure out my own mind. So, when we are faced with someone being quiet, withdrawn, not speaking to us, we don’t immediately think, ” Oh, maybe X has happened and she/he needs me to do Y.”
Do we bollocks! No! We think, ” There they go, being a moody cow/git again.”  We Say What We See.
So ask; ask for help or understanding, whatever it is you need. When people find out your “mood” is not their fault they are usually very relieved and happy to console or listen; but ask. Give others their comfort zones and you may be amazed with what you get in return. 

Hi There..

Here I am, back again and very glad to be so.

We all see the good and bad in people in our everyday lives, but usually to a more mundane extent than I have witnessed this last few weeks. I have already written about finding who your true friends really are, when it really counts and your back is against the wall.

Well, very sadly, a remarkably good, kind and much-loved person died last week and I attended their very moving funeral, a service full of love and support for the surviving family and friends. What was mentioned time and again was this persons love for life, right up to the end, their lack of bitterness at the cancer that was taking their life, way too early, and their loving thoughts for those they were leaving behind. What this individual and their wonderful family faced was awful, not deliberate or in any way avoidable, but completely life-changing for all concerned. Yet, despite the palpable sadness of loss, the overwhelming feeling in the chapel was of love for a life well-lived.

Now, I have always had an issue with that certain meanness of spirit I have found in some people throughout my life, the kind of people who take joy in the misery or misfortune of others, seemingly begrudging folk the air they breathe, but, standing in that chapel all I could think was of the total futility and waste of time it is to spend even one precious second of my life carrying anger or hurt in my heart at the actions of others.  It changes nothing and that burden weighs heavy, leaving no room there for love and affecting my ability to take joy in the rest of my life.

So I will take some of that positive energy from the way this good person both led his life and faced his death and use it to drive the fear and negativity from my mind and from my soul.

Thankfully, kind, loving and warm people still vastly out-number the shitty ones.

But It’s Not Fair

I’m talking the talk, but not walking the walk. I understand what is happening and how little control I have over the desire of others to inflict pain and hurt, but the child in me wants to yell, through streaming, stinging tears,

“It’s not fair!”

But to what end?  “Are they bovered?” as the great Catherine Tate would ask. Of course they bloody aren’t! And this is the thing that pulls me back to reality.

I have ( am still ) running the full kit and kaboodle of beating myself up for the appalling behaviour of others, of it coming to a point I have spent years trying to avoid by working harder, doing longer hours and going so many extra miles I have lapped the world, but to no avail. If someone is THAT determined to do you down , they will. I feel I have let my family down, exposing them to possible financial hardship, let my clients down, set my young adult offspring a bad example, and so on and so on.

And it is ridiculous, completely ridiculous! Not one of those I love, and love me back, is judging me this way. Only me!

So what can I do?

Well, I will dig as deep as I can, as I must, to find my backbone, to find the ballsy, courageous woman I know is hiding within the quivering-lipped, gibbering wreck that devoured me five days ago.  I will be my own best friend, acknowledging my strengths, cutting myself some slack and kindly urging myself back into the real, functioning world.  I will look outside of myself, outside the tiny sphere that has become my world over recent days, and seek out solutions and new possibilities.

Something wonderful is waiting for me and the only way I can get there and realise its potential, is by taking this desperatley difficult journey. It is frightening, terrifying in fact, but we all fear change; even if we know where we are now is awful we instinctively fear leaving the familiar.

I hope you all find the courage you need for your convictions and the strength and support to see them through.

The Calm Before The……..Whatever

I keep checking the mirror to see if I still LOOK like me, because I sure as shootin’ don’t feel like me! I should be running around , crying, ranting, chewing my fingers to the bone, but I’m not. I feel strangely calm with just flutters every now and then of mild panic, quickly subsumed by this… “peace.”

I highlight this because it is common to a few situations close loved-ones have found themselves in lately as well. They have gone through horrendously stressful times, struggling with a life-changing decision, only to find that having taken the leap this same strange peace or calm descends. Other strong forces (sadness, grief, regret) can still take their toll, but, for me, the knowledge that matters have come to the only conclusion they could and should have, make the rest of it bearable.

But I am very, very fortunate. This could all sound incredibly trite to others without the level of support and kindness I am blessed with. I may yet be typing another entry in this blog with one hand, while tearing lumps of my hair out by the roots, cursing myself for putting my own happiness before my duty as a wife, daughter and mother. But what use am I to anyone without my soul and what example would that set to my adult children.  “Yes kids, live your lives but don’t believe that you deserve happiness, or peace, or self-esteem, or joy, or hope.”  No, I don’t think so.

I remember when my children were born saying the “only” thing I wished for them was that they be happy, truly happy. Some friends of mine hoped their children would be doctors or dancers or successful….you get the picture.  At this stage of my life I look back and think my wish may just have been the most ambitious.

Love Letters Straight From The..?

I was listening to the radio and, just in case some of you have been on the moon for the last week or so, guess what; they were talking about love letters, Valentine’s Day etc blah, blah.

The guy then started discussing how Johnny Cash’s love letter to his wife has just been voted the most romantic love letter of all time. Now I dislike these kind of “Top 10” things a lot. It is all so subjective and with this topic, even more so. Having read the letter I think it certainly is beautiful, but also very easy for a lot of people to relate to. However I would question it coming out above Keats for example; but that’s just my opinion.

What DID make me laugh and stare at the radio however was the DJ’s next line. Here goes, almost verbatim,

“Well his( Johnny Cash) letter obviously came from the heart, but if we are sending a person a love letter should we write what is in our hearts?”

I stared for a moment, then thought “Que?”

Was he trying to provoke? Was this more profound than my poor brain cells could cope with?

I listened on. No. He was actually just blowing it out his ass!

Most of us can barely manage a text nowadays. We send e-cards rather than write and post the old card varieties. So, if you sit down with pen and paper to commit your feelings for someone you love to “hard copy”, are you going to expend that energy on some half-hearted, meaningless and trite collection of words? I doubt it.

The words should be a personal reflection of what that someone special means to you and there is only one place that stuff comes from, the heart.

Risky Business.

It’s love of course! Perhaps it should carry a health warning.

In my youth I had no selection process at all, I just loved without question and suffered the consequences, the hurt, when it came along. As I get older I have become aware of keeping the “essence” of me, my soul, safe in my relationships with others. But how can I love with the “safety” on?

Am I now going through life carrying out risk assessments before I decide to invest in loving someone or not? And for those I already love, am I taking a part of me back; holding it in safe-keeping?

Well, I still do love, very much, but with different levels of expectation. I love now in a simultaneously selfish and selfless way; selfish in that I give what I can of me, and selfless in that I give it without demand for anything in return.

The all or nothing approach to love is too exhausting and yet too limiting to be sustainable, and laden with disappointment.

I am thankfully long past the naive love of my teenage years, where I imagined all kinds of perfection in those I handed my heart to, and thank God. What a recipe for disaster. Now, I take people for what they( we) are, flawed human beings; and if those flaws are ones I can cope with, and the positive in them offsets any negative aspects, then great.

I haven’t dropped my standards. I just love those I do in a “perfectly” accepting and embracing way.

To Have No Hope At All….Heaven Forbid!

At some point, in all of our lives, we find ourselves hitting a brick wall, feel lonely, lost and without a “safe harbor,” but seriously, until I watched the programme, “Skint”, I really did not know what I was talking about. I know there have been similar ones on before , but some of the people taking part in this one seemed to express their dire situation in terms that really resonated with me.

One young girl is walking through a park, a bottle of cheap drink in her hand, describing how she has no-one in her life to reach out to, no-one to matter to and nowhere to run to for comfort. I understand that there may be a back story to this, to show how she contributed to this desperate situation, but you know what, so what! To bear witness to her story and have no compassion, to listen and yet not head the warning, would be foolish indeed. Because when all is said and done, with enough bad luck in life, her story could be ours one day.

More than the lack of material things, I think the saddest point of it all was to see so many people completely and utterly without hope; not an iota of it. I have gone through some lousy, low and rotten times, but I have always been blessed with folk who cared for me and been able to love and care for them in return. It is this that gives you hope in all of the despair.

So, to all of my incredible friends and family, who support, nurture, laugh with, cry with and generally take great care of me, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

The Power of Positive Thinking!!

Talking to my mate I remarked ” you know I’m absolutely heart-broken about this”.
“No you’re not”, she replied quickly. “You think you should be, so you’re saying you are and “fitting in” with that mind-set”.
I thought for a moment and realised she was right! There is “stuff” in my life right now that really is “heart-breaking” but not this. Someone you love being unwell, and being powerless to help, is “heart-breaking” not the rest of the dross.
Now I am up this morning, feeling like I can embrace the “stuff”, viewing it as a bit of a challenge, but nothing more.
I had actually typed out “take on the world and win” and then realised I don’t even feel that level of strife. Brilliant!
Thanks Babe and you know who you are.